Pray for me

“What can I do?”

That’s a difficult question to answer when you’re depressed. You want to say a magical formula—“do this for me and I’ll feel better”—but there isn’t one. You want to be able to respond positively since you’re grateful for the care that went into that question, but you can’t. You even feel a little guilty that you can’t give a satisfying response.

“What can I do?” is probably the best question my husband can ask me when I’m depressed. It’s unassuming and empathetic. It’s also incredibly frustrating, because sometimes there just isn’t anything he can do. But what else is he supposed to say? I guess I’m glad he asks it, even when I don’t know how to respond.

I was recently asked what depression feels like. I didn’t know how to answer. I told my friend that it it’s a physical feeling, a heaviness—if hopelessness was tactile, that would be it. I didn’t know how else to describe it, except in obscure metaphors that might only make sense to me.

So it’s difficult to answer “what can I do?” when I can’t even articulate what my depression feels like. Usually, I end up answering the question with: “Just pray for me.” Sometimes, that’s the only answer I have. Continue reading “Pray for me”

Anxiety and Amazon Prayers

My husband and I love Amazon Prime. We’d rather push a button and wait for two days for something to arrive at our door than drive fifteen minutes to pick that something up from the store that day.

Once, he decided to get me an Instant Pot for my birthday. (For all of those who don’t know, Instant Pot = amazing.) We joked that we were being too lazy lately, and we decided to actually get up and go to an actual store to buy it. But after going to three stores that were all out of the size we wanted, we ended up typing it in “search” and hitting “buy now.” So much easier! And, voila, we had it in two days just by tapping a few keys on the keyboard. My prediction is that Amazon will one day rule the world and you’ll have me to thank for that.

Sometimes I catch myself imagining prayer to be something like Amazon Prime.

Continue reading “Anxiety and Amazon Prayers”

Blog: Re-imagined

To my family and friends:

I’m sitting in the chair by my new bookcase, sipping some Corvus coffee while my fluffy pup, Beowulf, snoozes at my feet. I’ve been staring at my computer screen, wondering about how to start this post, and I’ve decided just to dive in.

As many of you know, I was diagnosed in 2013 with Bipolar I disorder. Since then, I’ve had three major episodes and what feels like a thousand mini ones. After the diagnosis, my life got turned upside down. I’d been a Christian my whole life, but I was, for the first time, confronted with some tough questions: Where is God in pain? Where is God in silence? And where in the world is God in mental illness?

These questions turned me away from my faith for a while. A long while, actually. I wallowed in my disbelief and turned, once again, back to disordered eating and an unhealthy body image. (Disordered eating = any kind of unhealthy relationship with food.)

Continue reading “Blog: Re-imagined”